Photo Review: The Connaught – The Apartment, London

London, England
Room type: The Apartment
Duration: 22nd > 23rd July
Booked with: Directly with hotel

Having already reviewed this fine hotel previously, I will not bore you with the same details again.  Instead, I will go for the 2016 version of a review: photos with captions.

As my 101st stay in The Connaught, I can now add to my CV the accolade of having stayed in every single room and suite type.  Hold back on the applause for now, as first I must show you what their penthouse looks like.

On our 50th stay we were presented with a beautiful pair of handmade shoes, some wonderful candles and other treats.  What would we receive for our 100th stay, I mused?  A wonderful, well thought out, personalised gift?  A day of complimentary spa treatments?  A wing of the hotel named after me?   A secret ritual that I could whisper to any GM anywhere in the world and be guaranteed an upgrade?  Alas, the answer was in fact nothing.  The problem with setting any form of expectation is that it persists beyond that point.  That’s why you should never try, kids, as if you don’t bother then no one will ever expect anything from you and you can never disappoint.

This way to The Apartment.
The Apartment entrance. At this stage you already have an overstated sense of purpose.
Anything is possible.  Can I fly?  Maybe I can.  I’m on the 6th floor – does that make it too risky as a first attempt?
Even if the room key is not made of diamonds, I will wave it around like it’s a wild snake and expect unfettered attention.
Main entrance view from bedroom.  The hallways are so long that search and rescue were needed twice during our stay.
A hallway so large that you need a rest as you walk down it.
Guest bedroom. You don’t need guests, friends, family or even your own thoughts though – you now have The Connaught, who will comfort you for the rest of your life.
Bottled water, captured from the tears of baby seals that were massaged by Tibetan massages.
Master bedroom. Imagine the people who have slept in this room. Now imagine how much money I could get if I collected all their skin and sold it to the The Sun.
Personalised his and hers pillows. Still not made of gold.
Sitting area.
Master bedroom sitting area.
The little, well thought out touches make all the difference. Here they have kindly installed a therapists couch for you, so you can discuss how tough your life is, in your £15.5k/n room.
Suite control system. So you too can party like it’s 2010.
Dressing room. Probably bigger than my first house.
Gosh, these would look nice at home…
Master bathroom. No jacuzzi? This is modern day slavery!
Master bathroom
Bathroom robes. Proof they are not in my suitcase, Your Honour.
Main hallway. The only thing they’re missing are some creepy twins following you around.
Hallway
Hallway
Hallway artwork
Living room
Living room
Living room play area
Childrens colouring book and pencils
Living room
Living room
Living room
Fruit
Mirror, mirror on the wall….oh f— it, just tell me I’m amazing!
Living room control system. Fact of the day: also capable of launching nuclear missiles.
Living room sitting area.
Outdoor terrace
I got drunk just looking at this so-called mini bar.
View into living room.
View into living room.
Living room
Living room view onto outside balcony
Balcony
No one ever staying in this suite has ever seen one of these “kitchen” things before.
Guest bathroom, as allowing the riff-raff to use your own bathroom is amongst the highest faux-pas.
Guest bathroom

 

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