London, England Room type: The Apartment Duration: 22nd > 23rd July Booked with: Directly with hotel
Having already reviewed this fine hotel previously, I will not bore you with the same details again. Instead, I will go for the 2016 version of a review: photos with captions.
As my 101st stay in The Connaught, I can now add to my CV the accolade of having stayed in every single room and suite type. Hold back on the applause for now, as first I must show you what their penthouse looks like.
On our 50th stay we were presented with a beautiful pair of handmade shoes, some wonderful candles and other treats. What would we receive for our 100th stay, I mused? A wonderful, well thought out, personalised gift? A day of complimentary spa treatments? A wing of the hotel named after me? A secret ritual that I could whisper to any GM anywhere in the world and be guaranteed an upgrade? Alas, the answer was in fact nothing. The problem with setting any form of expectation is that it persists beyond that point. That’s why you should never try, kids, as if you don’t bother then no one will ever expect anything from you and you can never disappoint.
This way to The Apartment.The Apartment entrance. At this stage you already have an overstated sense of purpose.Anything is possible. Can I fly? Maybe I can. I’m on the 6th floor – does that make it too risky as a first attempt?Even if the room key is not made of diamonds, I will wave it around like it’s a wild snake and expect unfettered attention.Main entrance view from bedroom. The hallways are so long that search and rescue were needed twice during our stay.A hallway so large that you need a rest as you walk down it.Guest bedroom. You don’t need guests, friends, family or even your own thoughts though – you now have The Connaught, who will comfort you for the rest of your life.Bottled water, captured from the tears of baby seals that were massaged by Tibetan massages.Master bedroom. Imagine the people who have slept in this room. Now imagine how much money I could get if I collected all their skin and sold it to the The Sun.Personalised his and hers pillows. Still not made of gold.Sitting area.Master bedroom sitting area.The little, well thought out touches make all the difference. Here they have kindly installed a therapists couch for you, so you can discuss how tough your life is, in your £15.5k/n room.Suite control system. So you too can party like it’s 2010.Dressing room. Probably bigger than my first house.Gosh, these would look nice at home…Master bathroom. No jacuzzi? This is modern day slavery!Master bathroomBathroom robes. Proof they are not in my suitcase, Your Honour.Main hallway. The only thing they’re missing are some creepy twins following you around.HallwayHallwayHallway artworkLiving roomLiving roomLiving room play areaChildrens colouring book and pencilsLiving roomLiving roomLiving roomFruitMirror, mirror on the wall….oh f— it, just tell me I’m amazing!Living room control system. Fact of the day: also capable of launching nuclear missiles.Living room sitting area.Outdoor terraceI got drunk just looking at this so-called mini bar.View into living room.View into living room.Living roomLiving room view onto outside balconyBalconyNo one ever staying in this suite has ever seen one of these “kitchen” things before.Guest bathroom, as allowing the riff-raff to use your own bathroom is amongst the highest faux-pas.Guest bathroom
The children’s play area seems a bit jarring. Did you have littles ones with you? If not, perhaps they should put that away unless there will be toddlers staying overnight. Otherwise, beautiful digs.
Did you have children with you? The play area seems a bit jarring. I think they should put the puzzle mat and toys away unless there are toddlers staying in the room. Otherwise, magical accommodations. Where there really four robes for two guests?
The number of animals in this picture is the same number of game drives I went on during my stay at Singita Serengeti House: zero. It was just too relaxing to want to leave.
The highlight of Four Seasons Philadelphia is pool with panoramic views on the 57th floor. Another was an “influencer” in the pool screaming at his phone about how sleeping is for the weak. One of those “I go to bed at 4am and wake up at 3am” types. I was awake before him, so I’m looking forward to my upcoming lottery win.
The perks of being a blogger
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After you send your kid to private school and put them through university, you're not that keen to see "blogger" on their business cards. It isn’t normally top of your list of things you’re hoping they'll be. If I’m being brutal, maybe it’s third place, after doctor and astronaut.
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However, now and again it pays off.
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A reader, that became a friend, happens to own the NFL team @philadelphiaeagles . Here I am getting my American on and going to my first NFL game, in the Owner’s Suite, with the Lurie’s, watching the Eagles beat the Jaguars. It was definitely a step up from watching Cambridge United, where you have to fight someone to use a bathroom and a good meal is something that only makes you ill for 48 hours.
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So there you go, kids. If you want to get somewhere in life, just spend your life savings going to hotels and shitting all over their best efforts.
Aman New York, the most anticipated opening of the year. I abandoned my family, including my new born daughter, in order to come here and spend hour after hour at this pool, just to make sure it was good enough for you, dear reader. Mother Teresa ain’t got shit on me.
Normally I’m walking around properties spotting their flaws, but at @messardieresttropez every few meters I was mouthing “fuck” under my breath as the property is so brilliant I’m now going to have to brush up on some positive synonyms to describe it.
The children’s play area seems a bit jarring. Did you have littles ones with you? If not, perhaps they should put that away unless there will be toddlers staying overnight. Otherwise, beautiful digs.
Did you have children with you? The play area seems a bit jarring. I think they should put the puzzle mat and toys away unless there are toddlers staying in the room. Otherwise, magical accommodations. Where there really four robes for two guests?