Review: Armani Hotel, Dubai

It might seem unfair to review a hotel I only stayed in for 13 hours, but were you invited for dinner at Jeffrey Dahmer’s you wouldn’t need to wait around until dessert to figure out if it’s for you.

I have fond memories of my 2015 stay at the Armani Hotel, which really goes to show what an idiot I was/am.  I’m going to have to employ a full-time fact-checker, to prevent me from ever saying anything so stupid ever again.  I haven’t employed one yet, so that last sentence is factually incorrect and I’ve got time all the time in the world to continue to make an idiot of myself.

There is not a single feature that should convince you, dear reader, on spending your hard-earned money that you siphoned into an offshore account.  Alright, I’ll be generous and give Armani one positive, the view. Our room, a Fountain View, did exactly what it said on the tin, so I commend them for that.

Our arrival took so long that I have little more to add to this review.  Please send help, I’m stuck in the multiverse of madness and may still be in reception, I’ve lost track of time, who I am and mistakingly think I’m a travel writer. There seemed an abundance of Armani staff hanging around the lobby, but none of them knowing much about anything, which is expected if you work in an Armani store, but not ideal in one of their hotels.

First, they sat us down to take our details, then 15 minutes later we’re informed we can check-in, whereby we head over to reception to be told the room is not available.  They’ve already taken our luggage by this point, which we need back as the room is not available, so we wait a further 20 minutes for that.  The entire process took about an hour.  Great, only 12 hours of hell left.  That still gives plenty of time to get lunch, but turns out they only serve a buffet, which we all know translates into “last night’s leftovers”.

When we finally did get into the so-called suite I had to question their advertised 80 sqm, as each room was so small it looked like it wouldn’t even fit a koala orgy in here, let alone a bunga bunga party.  They like to make a fuss that Mr. Armani designed this hotel, but would an Italian really be anti-orgy?  The theme continued in the bathroom as the bath was incapable of holding a normal-sized person, so I guess that’s their target audience here: chlamydia infested marsupials.  Everyone needs a niche.

Yet this is all just minor details compared to their pièce de résistance: the noise.  I sometimes forget – it’s lost amongst all the beautiful facilities and luxury innovations that make no sense – a hotel is ultimately a place to sleep.  A luxury hotel is a place to have a good sleep.  The noise from outside was so intense that none of us slept, with this constant pounding continuing until nearly midnight, then a faint one starting around 2am, like even the noise had run out of energy.  Their response at check-out was a quiet acceptance without any recourse – the only time during our short stay that silence wasn’t welcome.

The Good

  • The smell of the soap

The Bad

  • Service
  • Room
  • Food offering
  • Noise

The Luxurious

  • You’re 15 minutes from the airport so can easily leave


Good news!  If you can afford to stay in the Armani, you can afford to stay somewhere much, much better.  Just Google “any other hotel in Dubai that isn’t the Armani, I’ll even take one that has no running water or the one with recently dried bloodstains on the bed” and you’ll be fine.

Room type: Fountain Suite Duration: 7 May > 8th May, 2022


  1. Haha, I also liked the scent of the bathroom products so much that I immediately bought the perfume to go with it (Armani Prive- Bois d’Encens). I’ve been to the hotel three times now, I don’t think it’s quite as bad as you do. Especially the rooms I still find very timeless – and also the Indian restaurant, if it still exists. But certainly there are better – but also more expensive hotels in Dubai, like undoubtedly the Bulgari….

  2. Amazing review. Now I have koala orgies stuck in my head…

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